A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney. "I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."
A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Haven't we spoken before, sir?" the secretary inquired. "I could have sworn I talked to you last week. He's dead." "OK," said the caller. "Sorry to bother you."
Only seven days afterward, though, the secretary heard a by-now-familiar voice at the other end of the line. "Is there any chance
you could connect me with my lawyer?" the man wanted to know.
By now, the secretary was exasperated. "I know we've spoken before, sir. I've told you: he's dead! Why do you keep calling back?
Don't you get it? He's dead!"
The man paused before he answered. "I know, I know . . . . I just enjoy hearing it so much!"
Bumper sticker: "Support Mental Health or I’ll Kill You"
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer — do you have a locker room in the police station — a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
A man and a woman were conversing at a party. The woman said: "Lawyers are jerks." The man responded: "I take offense to that remark." "Why," said the woman. "Are you a lawyer?" "No," he responded: "I'm a jerk."
Moe: It was so cold last night, I just couldn't believe it.
Joe: Well, how cold was it?
Moe: It was so cold, that I saw a lawyer with both hands in his own pockets.
Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
In Portuguese, a lawyer is called advogado; in French a lawyer is called avocat; and in Italian, a lawyer is called avvocato. All three language appear to compare lawyers to avocados, because both the fruit and lawyers have hearts of stone.
"Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule — and both commonly succeed, and are right."
H.L. Mencken
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail when he tripped over a large snake and then he fell, KerPlop! — right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and cannot see."
"That's perfectly all right," said the snake. "Actually, I think it was really my fault. I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and then said: "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a BUNNY RABBIT!"
And the little bunny was so pleased that he danced with joy. He told the snake, "I can't thank you enough. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he really didn't know, because he also was blind. So, the bunny said, "Let me return the favor and examine you." When the bunny had finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny replied: "You're hard; you're cold; you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a . . . . lawyer." And the snake was very sad.
The plaintiff sued the Acme Moving Company for injuries suffered when the Acme Moving Van hit the plaintiff's truck,
which was carrying his prize mule, Bessie. Acme’s lawyer, in the course of cross-examining the plaintiff, asked:
"When the state trooper came to the scene of the accident and asked how you were, you said, ‘I feel fine,’ didn't you?"
The plaintiff responded, "Well, yes."
The lawyer could not leave well enough alone, so he then asked: "Now you claim that you were severely injured,
so why did you say that you felt fine immediately after the accident?"
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into my truck and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in
such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing a loud "THUD," he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He stopped and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down this road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved and missed the lawyer. However, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I guess that I must have hit that lawyer."
"You missed him," replied the priest. "But that's OK. I got him with the door."
Q: Where does a vampire learn how to suck blood?
A: During his first year of Law School.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them."
"What?? You did???"
"Yes. That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
_____________________________________
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Now, what is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
The SEC finally indicted a famous stock swindler, who had gotten rich though the use of insider trading. The swindler hired a lawyer and said, "Do whatever you can; I just don’t want to be sentenced to prison. I’ve gotten quite wealthy over the years, and I want to enjoy that wealth. I can’t enjoy it while I’m in prison." The lawyer responded, "Take heart. I can assure you that you will never have to go to prison with all that money." And the lawyer was right. the swindler was convicted and sent to prison to serve a long jail term, but the swindler never went to prison with all that money. The swindler went to prison flat broke. The lawyer, on the other hand, made out quite well.
What's the difference between a herd of lawyers and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyers charge more.
It is a little known historical fact that, at the Charge of the Light Brigade, the front line was composed of soldiers who were all lawyers. The generals thought — correctly — that when the time came to charge, the lawyers would perform the bese because they really know how to charge.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Two men were lost on a hot air balloon journey. The only way to determine their location was to maneuver the balloon close enough to the ground so that they could yell down, and ask someone. They came across a man walking his dog. "Where are we," they shouted? The man looked up . . . and yelled back, "In a Hot Air Balloon." One balloonist then turned to the other and shrugged. "Isn't that our luck, to only come across a lawyer." "How do you know he was a lawyer?" "Because the information, as usual, was accurate, but useless." "Well," said the other, at least he didn't charge us."
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest standing by the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and gave him a ride. A little later, the road the truck driver saw, on the side of the road, a fellow whom he recognized as a local lawyer. He turned the truck on a direct collision course with the lawyer and his briefcase. Then the truck driver had second thoughts. "Oh, no," he thought. "I have a priest in the truck. As much as I hate lawyers, I can't simply run down this lawyer, with a priest sitting in the truck right next to me." So, at the last second, the truck driver swerved and missed the lawyer. Nonetheless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of his truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but still didn't see anything. He then turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road." And the priest said "Don't worry son; I got him with my door"
After lawyers die, they still are lawyers. We know that because they lie still.
A lawyer questioning a doctor during a trial:
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Two young ladies were comparing notes in the doctor’s office. Both were pregnant, and the first said to the second, "I just know that I will have a baby boy." The other said, "I don’t know yet if it’s a boy or girl, but the doctor told me that the baby would become a lawyer." How do you know that?," said the first woman. "Because I have constant cravings for baloney."
Car Crashes — from the Perspective of the Drivers:
Actual statements (found on the insurance forms of a British auto insurance company) of car drivers explaining and summarizing the details of their accident in the fewest possible words. The trial lawyers must have had fun with these.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As soon as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid this accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of my car in front I struck the pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
17. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
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What is the difference between a brilliant lawyer and a stupid lawyer?
Brilliance has its limits.
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In 1770, King George asked for a census of all the people in the colonies. This is the actual report, verbatim, that Grafton County, New Hampshire sent to the King:
- "Your Royal Majesty, Grafton County, New Hampshire, consists of 1,012 square miles. It contains 6,489 souls, most of whom are engaged in agriculture, but included in that number are 69 wheelwrights, 8 doctors, 29 blacksmiths, 87 preachers, 20 slaves and 90 students at the new college. There is not one lawyer, for which fact we take no personal credit, but thank and Almighty and Merciful God."
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How do lawyers get involved in philanthropy?
They sue a charity.
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The Art of Direct and Cross Examination Examination
Questions Actually Asked by Trial Lawyers ——
1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
2.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Williamson at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Williamson was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
19. Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Vorokin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years and you can't remember his name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited (rising from witness chair). Nathan, for God's sake tell him your name!
20. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with that man in Miami?
A: No.
21. Q: Now Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by who's death was it terminated?
22. Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No. I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
23. Q: What is your name?
A: Mary Ann Jones.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
24. Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
25. Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
26. Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Smith?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by him, and she said he was really good.
27. Q: Do you believe you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: And how many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
28. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
29. Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes.
Q: Before or after he died?
30. Q: Officer, what led you to believe this man was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentinary and couldn't pronunciate his words.
31. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me he had to kill me because I could identify him.
Q: Did he kill you?
32.
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
33.
The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
34.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by his ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air?
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
35.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and was able, for the time being excluding all restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Attorney: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
36.
Q: Gary, all your answer must be oral, okay? Now, what school did you go to?
A: Oral.
37.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: And was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
38.
Q: Now you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
39.
Q: And what did he do then?
A: He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
40.
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing but the furniture.
41.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
42.
Q: Were you shot in the fracas?
A: No. I was shot halfway between the fracas and the naval.
43.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That the only kind I know.
44.
Q: (showing a picture) That's you?
A: Yes.
Q: Were you present when the picture was taken?
45.
Q: When you came out of the anesthesia, what did you observe?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
46.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
47.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of the defendant?
A: Oh, she will always tell the truth. She said she was going to kill that sonofabitch, and she did!
48.
Q: Do you drink when you are on duty?
A: Not unless I come on duty drunk.
49.
Q: Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial, instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
50.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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Three lawyers and three MBAs were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each bought tickets and watched as the three MBAs bought only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an MBA.
They all boarded the train. The lawyers took their respective seats but all three MBAs crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restore door and said, Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decided to copy the MBAs on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the MBAs superior intellect and lower ethical standards). When they got to the station, the lawyers bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the MBAs didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" said one of the perplexed lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answered the first MBA.
When they boarded the train the three lawyers crammed into a restore and the three MBAs crammed into another one nearby. Shortly after the train departed, one of the MBAs left his restore and walked over to the restore where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said: "Ticket, please."
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When judges assume the bench, the first thing they do is tell three lies.
First: "I am overworked."
Second: "I am underpaid."
And third: "I was a great trial lawyer."
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A man walked into a bar, with a 25 foot alligator on a leash.
"Do you serve lawyers?," he said. "Of course," the bartender responded."
"Great," said the man. "I'll have a Bud Light, and my friend here will have a lawyer."
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God gives judges two things to help them in their work.
First, a robe, so they can look distinguished.
And, second, hemorrhoids, so they can look concerned.
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A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer were in a car. They ran out of gas, and were forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer said that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu volunteered: "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he went out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer heard a knock on the door. It was the Hindu, who said, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi said, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer heard another knock on the door and it was the rabbi. He said that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer was forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.
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Sign in a Lawyer's Office:
We do three kinds of jobs: cheap, quick, and good. You can have any three.
A good job quick, won't be cheap.
A good job cheap, won't be quick.
A cheap job quick, won't be good.
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun, but it only has two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick falls off when you die.
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What do you have when you see 100 lawyers buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one too.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything, forever.
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Why did the Post Office just recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people could not figure out which side to spit on.
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What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
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If you see a lawyer on your bicycle, why should you never swerve in an effort to hit the bicycle?
Because, it might be your bicycle.
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Santa Clause, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking down the street together when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill. Who was the one person who got to keep the hundred dollar bill?
The old drunk, of course. The other three are mythical creatures.
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A potential client walked into the lawyer's office and inquired about her rates.
$50.00 for the first three questions," the lawyer replied.
The potential client asked, "Isn't that awfully steep?"
"Yes," said the lawyer. "And what was your third question?"
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A bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. A big reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising bounty hunter made a special effort to track him down. After a lengthy search, the bounty hunter found the bandit at his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, drew his trusty six-shooter, pointed it to the back of the bandit's head, and said: "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid all of your loot, or I'll blow your brains out." Unfortunately, the bandit did not speak English, and the bounty hunter spoke no Spanish. But, as luck would have it, a bilingual lawyer was in the cantina, and translated the bounty hunter's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried in the rear of the cantina, under the old oak tree. The bounty hunter asked the lawyer, "What did the bandit say?" The lawyer answered: "He said, 'Get lost Gringo. You don't have the guts to shoot me."
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It got so cold in northern Maine one winter that the local lawyers had to keep their hands in their own pockets.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
One of them lets go upon death.
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An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. St. Peter checked his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reported to the gates of hell and entered. Pretty soon, the engineer became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, hell had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer became a very popular fellow. Later, God called Satan on the telephone and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replied, "Hey [or perhaps he said, "Hell"], things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replied in surprise: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan retorted, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God said, "Yes, way. Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughed uproariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are You going to get a lawyer?"
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Bumper Stickers:
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt — in case heaven is like the IRS.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The problem with experience being such a good teacher is the test comes before the course: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
A clear conscience may be the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable — except from vending machines.
Lawyers are modest. And are proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan payments.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists — they don't expect it back.
The problem is, 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. And, 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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"Contrary to what some people claim, the tax laws have a lot of respect for logic. They use it so sparingly."
— Jeffrey Yablon, Washington, D.C. Tax Lawyer
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How many lawyers' jokes are there?
Only three; the rest are all true.
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Four surgeons were sitting in a hospital break room talking. The first one commented that he liked to operate on librarians,
"Cut them open and everything inside is in alphabetical order, what could be easier than that" he said. The second surgeon said that he preferred accountants, because everything inside was numbered. The third doctor preferred engineers, because they were all color coded. The fourth surgeons disagreed with his companions, he was insistent that lawyers were the easiest to operate on.
"Think about it" he said "they are heartless, gutless, brainless, and spineless, and their heads and their rear ends are interchangeable."
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"If law school is so hard, how come there are so many lawyers?"
— Calvin Trilling
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Why do we like lawyers buried 24 feet underground?
Because deep down they are such good fellows.
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It had been a long day in traffic court, and the judge was listening to the final case on the docket.
The police officer stated that he had observed the defendant traveling significantly above the posted speed limit. In response,
the defendant went on and on about the road conditions, the amount of traffic and his innocence.
Then, certain he had won his case, he melodramatically proclaimed, "Why, your Honor, I'll even take a lie detector test."
"Son," the judge wearily replied, "I am the lie detector." —
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It was an outstanding case in a small western mining town. Joe was brought in on an assault charge. The state presented the weapons he used: a huge telegraph pole, a dagger, a pair of shears, a saw, a gun and a Civil War saber.
Counsel for the defense produced the weapons used by the alleged victim to defend himself: a scythe, a hoe, an ax, a shovel and a pair of tongs. After deliberating, the 12 men of the jury filed in slowly and the foreman read the verdict?
"We the jury would give $5 to have seen the fight."
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Two men had been fighting in the back of the local poolroom. Someone called the police, who arrested the men and took them before the judge. "You two fellows should be ashamed of yourselves," the judge said. "You're grown men, not school kids.
You should be able to settle your dispute without being brought to court." "That's what we were trying to do," one of the men said, "when somebody called the police and they came and interfered."
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The lawyer was examining the witness. "Isn't it true," he shouted, "that you were given $200 to throw this case?"
The witness didn't answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he had not even heard the question.
The lawyer repeated the question with the same reaction — again, no response.
Finally, the judge said to the witness, "Please answer the question." "Oh," said the witness with much surprise in his voice,
"I thought he was talking to you."
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"Got my first job," announced the young college grad. "I'm helping out a lawyer."
"Great. What does he pay you?"
"A thousand a week."
"Isn't that an awful lot for a beginner?"
"Not exactly. I only get a hundred in cash and the rest in legal advice."
================================================================================================ The Pope died and went to Heaven, and was given a nice little house with a pleasant garden. However,
next to him was an enormous mansion with magnificent grounds. The Pope, curious, went to St. Peter.
"I don't understand, St. Peter," he said. "I was the Pope. Here in Heaven, I have a modest home while my neighbor has a beautiful mansion. Who lives there?"
"A lawyer," St. Peter explained.
"A lawyer? I don't understand," the puzzled pontiff said.
"Well, look at it this way," St. Peter explained. "We have lots of Popes here in Heaven, but only one lawyer."
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A successful man explained how one of his sons had become a doctor, while another was practicing law.
"You must be so proud," said one of his friends. "Right now," replied the man sorrowfully, "it's splitting up the family.
Yesterday, I had an accident and hurt my arm. My son the doctor wants to fix it right away.
My son the lawyer wants it to stay like it is so he can sue."
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A man had just been fined $35.00 for a moving traffic violation. When he paid the fine he was given a receipt by the clerk of the court.
Unhappy about the fine, the man grumbled, "What good is this receipt?"
"You should file it in a handy place," the clerk said, "because when you have five of them, you get a bicycle."
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The interpreters of the laws in Washington can always be depended upon to take a reasonably good law
and interpret the common sense all out of it.
— Mark Twain
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A lawyer was defending a man accused of biting off another man's ear in a brawl. The lawyer asked a witness for the prosecution whether he'd seen his clients bite off the ear. The witness said "No," but the lawyer wasn't smart enough to rest his case. He went on questioning: "If you didn't see my client bite off this man's ear, then how do you know it was my client who did it?"
The witness told him: "Because I saw him spit it out."
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Somebody figured it out: We have 35 million laws trying to enforce the Ten Commandments.
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A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
— Samuel Goldwyn
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One suspects that Alexander Hamilton, Abraham Lincoln, and William H. Seward, successful lawyers all,
did not worry to the same extent as their present- day counterparts about the number of hours they had billed.
— William H. Rehnquist, U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice
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When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
— Norm Crosby, comedian
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America is the only country on earth where defendants are let loose while the jury is locked up.
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A man in a small Vermont town was arrested for stealing a barrel of pickles from the country store. Before his trial, his lawyer asked him, "Did you really steal those pickles? Tell me the truth." "Yes I did," the man admitted. "Okay, don't worry about it," his lawyer told him. "Just give me half of them."
The man looked surprised, but did as he was told. It wasn't until his case came into court that he understood why. Said his lawyer to the jury, "This man before you didn't get any more of those pickles than I did." The jury offered a verdict of "not guilty."
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Is it possible to outsmart a lawyer? A prospective client went to his lawyer and told him that he would pay no fee paid unless the counselor was sure there were grounds for a case. The lawyer agreed and the prospective gave him a full account of the problem.
"What a case!" said the lawyer. "The other side has no case. You'll win a fortune. Now for my fee . . . ."
"Sorry, no fee," said the prospective client. "That was the other guy's side."
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A lawyer is someone who's willing to go to court and spend your last penny to prove he's right.
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A lawyer tore into court and demanded a new trial for the client who had been found guilty the day before.
"I've uncovered new information!" bellowed the lawyer.
"Of what nature?" asked the judge.
"Very important," said the lawyer. "I just found out my client has an extra $5,000!"
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Taney and Marshall were hired to defend a man accused of murder. The two lawyers spent days preparing the case.
But just when they were going to trial Taney was called out of town and Marshall had to face the jury alone.
For once in his life, Marshall was brilliant. And when the verdict was returned, the client was found innocent.
Marshall immediately sent a wire to Taney which read: "Justice has triumphed."
Taney sent a return wire. It read: "Tough luck. File an appeal."
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Mark Twain said that the efficiency of our criminal jury system is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men who don't know anything and can't read.
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After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident you start to worry about history.
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Truth is stranger than fiction — in lawsuits.
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Everybody says this country has too many laws. Just the same, everybody knows of at least one more law that should be passed.
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A man was accused of stealing a tool kit from someone else's garage. "But I just took it as a joke," he protested before the judge.
"How far did you carry the tool kit?" the judge wanted to know.
"Just three blocks," replied the defendant.
"Thirty days, then," proclaimed the judge, "for carrying the joke too far."
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"It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any." — Mae West
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Lawyer — The only person in whom ignorance of the law goes unpunished.
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Lawsuit — Something no one wants to have and no one wants to lose.
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Jury — Twelve people who vote on who has the better lawyer.
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What happens when you cross a Critical Legal Studies Deconstructionist with a Mafioso?
He makes you an offer that you can't understand.
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A lawyer, an architect, and a doctor were golfing. They began to discuss whose profession came first.
The doctor said that his did; God created woman from Adam's rib. That was surgery, so medicine came first. The architect disagreed. He said that God first created the world out of chaos, and that the building and design of the world was architecture. The lawyer just laughed and asked, "Whom do you think created the chaos?"
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Pro is opposite of Con. That's why Congress is the opposite of Progress. And why is that? Well, it all goes back to law school grades. It is said that after law school, the A students become law professors; the B students become judges; the C students become lawyers and make all the money; and the D students become the legislators, who make the laws to keep the A, B, and C students busy.
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A relatively young lawyer died and was waiting at the gate to check in with St. Peter. When St. Peter checked his register, he mentioned to the lawyer that he had lived a very long life and he should be happy with this 94 years on earth.
The young lawyer vehemently objected, claiming he was only 42 year old and that there must be some mistake. St. Peter checked his book again and told the lawyer that he was certain his records were correct and that he was 94 years old. When the lawyer again protested, St. Peter reminded the young man that, for lawyers, he registers all time in his book based on the lawyer's billable hours.
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A heart transplant patient was offered the choice of two heart: one belonged to an Olympic runner who had just died in a car crash. The other belonged to an 80 year old lawyer who died of old age. The patient said that she wanted the lawyer's, not the Olympic runner's.
"A wise choice," said the doctor. "You picked the heart that has never been used."
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A tourist wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your Honor.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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A definition of "the Law":
"When the circus of politics is finished, the grounds keeper sweeps the litter into a pile and calls it, 'the law.'"
—Daniel B. Klein, Professor of Economics, quoted in Forbes Magazine, April 22, 1996, at p. 28, col. 2.
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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand
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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
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What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of being a human being.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
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Where can you find an honest lawyer?
In the cemetery.
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What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hay, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replied: "Four!".
The accountant said: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice:
"How much do you want it to be?"
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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He saw a sign commenting on the quality of professional brain offered at
this particular brain store. So he asked the butcher: "How much for an Engineer's brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for a doctor's brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said.
"What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you,
Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy," said the teacher.
"What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a bordello."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
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Why are scientists beginning to use lawyers in their laboratory
experiments instead of rats?
There are more lawyers than rats.
The scientists get more attached to the rats; that is not a
problem when they use lawyers.
There are some things that even rats won't do.
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A hardworking lawyer suddenly saw mist envelope his office as he worked late at night. From that mist came the sound of a disembodied voice:
"I promise that from this day forward, I will give you only interesting cases; you will have your pick of what to do; and all the cases will pay well. All you must do is give me your first born."
The lawyer replied: "What's the catch?"
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A very successful businessman passed away. At his funeral, his widow asked the mourners to join in a custom that they had brought over from their native town in Europe; namely, to leave some money in the casket to help the deceased pay for his trip across the River Styx. Having been very fond of the gentleman, his doctor approached the casket and placed a clean, crisp $100 bill inside. The gentleman's accountant did the same.
His lawyer then approached the casket, left a check in the amount of $300, and took the $200 cash.
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A trust and estates attorney finished a routine update of a rich old man's will. When he came in to sign the will, the lawyer told him that his fee for the update was $100. Grumbling a bit, he handed him cash, signed the will, and left.
Later that afternoon, the attorney prepared to deposit the fee he had received for 15 minutes' work on the man's will. As he did so, he noticed that the cash seemed a bit thick. He discovered that the old man had given him two $100 bills stuck together. This, of course, raised an immediate ethical problem:
Should he tell his partner?
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God decided that he needed some maintenance done on the Pearly Gates. Since all of his angels were busy saving sinners on the Earth below, he decided to have the Devil do the work. God knew, however, that he could not trust the Devil, so he wrote a contract. The Devil signed it and did part of the work. The Devil then got bored, and refused to either finish the job or clean up the mess (as specified in the contract). Of course, God wasn't happy. He visited the Devil, in a foul mood.
"Lucifer, finish that work and clean up the mess like you agreed. You signed that contract. Perform or, so help me, I'll sue you!"
"And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" said the Devil with a crooked smile.
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A virtuous man, shortly after he entered Heaven, became puzzled when he saw a figure walking around in a black robe over a business suit with a conservative tie. The man finally asked an angel about the figure in the black robe. The angel replied, "Don't worry, that's just God. Sometimes he thinks he's a District Court judge."
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DEFINING "LAWYER"
Lawyer: One skilled in the circumvention of the law. Ambrose Bierce
Lawyer: One who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation. H.L. Mencken
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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
— A Doberman pincher.
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If you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand, what should you do?
— Find more sand.
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At a lawyers' conference, one lawyer said to the others: "Perhaps 'unethical' was the wrong word;
I meant sort of complex — legally complex . . . .'"
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A third year law student married a senior in college. A year later, when both had graduated, they took a belated honeymoon in
Scotland. There, at a picturesque country inn, the proprietress asked how long they had been married. "It's been a year," they said.
"What! A year, and no wee little ones yet?" "Well," they responded, "we had to finish school."
"You mean in America you have to go to school for that too?"
In America, we have to go to school to study ethics.
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"If law school is so hard, how come there are so many lawyers?"
— Calvin Trilling
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Why do we like lawyers buried 24 feet underground? Because deep down they are such good fellows.
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What happens when you cross a Critical Legal Studies Deconstructionist with a Mafioso?
He makes you an offer that you can't understand.
